Thursday, December 31, 2009

Holy Clusterfuck Batman!

I decided to do a little last minute running around to get ready for my first low key New Year's Eve since I began my drinking career (I won't share with you when that period in my life began, I wouldn't want my parents to be looked down upon by others that prefer to keep their kids in the "no fun zone".

Traffic pulling into Pittsford Wegmans was ridiculous, I'm talking it looked as if there were a train wreck ahead. People were beeping as if they were cab drivers in NYC. There was lots of middle fingers waving in the air and an elderly couple even stopped their Buick in the middle of the intersection, I'm assuming the driver was either confused with all the commotion or having a TIA.

I'd just like to stop the story to mention how much I hate those carts that have the attachment on the front that look like a car, so that kids can be entertained while Mommy and Daddy grocery shop. LEAVE YOUR KID AT HOME! And I don't care if you don't have a sitter, I would much rather prefer you leave your kid in the car than push them around in one of those obnoxious carts, I promise I won't call Child Protective Services, it can be our little secret, my attempt to make the world a much happier place, or at least the act of grocery shopping.

The store was filled with people racing to pick up last minute items for the evening, I shit you not, people were running, in a Supermarket Sweep type fashion. I witnessed multiple cart attacks, where the person behind you hits you in the Achilles tendon area of your leg. Only those with cankles can survive one of those!

But my all time favorite moments at Wegmans today are as follows:
1. The little red headed boy that was dipping his pointer finger in the scalloped potatoes on the fresh food bar, licking it, and then doing it all over again. He may have only been six years old or so, but he was evil and kind of resembled Chuckie.

2. At the checkout, there was an Asian family ahead of me and the cashier was trying to ring up her items but got stumped on one. After many attempts to figure out what it was he was holding without having to ask and look like a complete asshole, he finally said "what's this". The woman replied "Gingah". He pretended like he knew what that meant, and a few seconds later said "Wait, What's this"? "Gingah". I had to throw in the towel and say "It's ginger from the produce section." I wasn't trying to be a bitch, I just wanted to get the show on the road. Trying to make small talk with grocery bagger Josh I say "You must hate your life right now" (I meant to say "you must hate your JOB right now"). But that didn't matter to prepubescent Josh, he replied "Yeah".

3. After checkout, I ran into the bathroom to blow my nose and boy was that a mistake, I would have been better off wiping it on my sleeve. The stench was awful, almost gag worthy. People were TEARING UP the Ladies Room. I wish I had left my groceries outside and risked them being stolen or mistaken for re-shops, because now I feel like my focaccia bread is contaminated.

4. As I re-entered the world of beeping car horns and potential car accidents I loaded up my groceries and realized that the chili I got for my lunch had dumped inside the plastic grocery bag it was in. At that point I was so fed up and starving I decided to say fuck it and ate the soup straight out of the plastic bag with a spoon.

And then I pulled out of my parking spot and heard a thud...

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